Buy Jesus a fucking cheeseburger!

Buy Jesus a fucking cheeseburger!

I was so happy when I heard the news. I laughed and thanked God for
the glorious day. It was poetry made of life. My very soul was so
insulted that all I can say is: IT is truly a thing of divine
provenance, of Godly origin, a modern sacrament, a fucking miracle.

***Let me explain. We have two Christian talk radio stations here,
KLOV and YNOP (Your Network Of Praise) and I love to listen to them
regularly for 3 reasons:
• The sermons are, from time to time, not that bad. It can be soul
affirming and brilliant, however never from the Caucasian preachers.
Only the “minority” clergy really give good Bible. Don’t know why all
them “chalkies” suck ass, but there you go.

• The crazy, blinkered, Philistine, bullshit politics. It is important
with the freedom of speech to listen to the brain-garbage that would
never come from one’s own mouth so you can get a “holy-fucking-shit”
barometer working to gauge the climate of insanity in the rest of the
world. Also it is comforting to know where these people are, so when
the revolution comes, you can kill them FIRST. Black power.

• To remind us all that Christian music blows…OOOH so much. I am not
much of an advocate for Satan, but when it comes to music, stick with he of
the cloven hooves. That shit would make Moses pray for death. Abraham
sacrifice himself. Muhammad would leap from the mountain. Shiva would destroy her ears. Buddha would nuke Tibet…and so on.

***Well, today the universe smiled upon me and God delivered some
grade-a bull-shit-ery that reminded me that above all the difficulties
in life, every day is beautiful. Today, both stations had
simultaneous, rival pledge drives going on. Oh holy night, the
divinity of it. KLOV wanted money to get the Bible-book-on-tape sent
to soldiers in Afghanistan and YNOP wanted to send Bibles written in
Farsi to Iran. Now both seem like marginally noble-enough causes for
evangelicals: Spread the word to those that want it. That is not what
made it so rich though. It was their methodology and lies. I have seen
barbarous bastardizations of my chosen Lord and savior before, but no
whoring ever brought such offense and joy to my heart as this.

***Both stations admitted, while I was flipping back and forth between
them, that they already had the Farsic Bibles and the Audio Gospels
made, and had missionaries in place to distribute them. Why then the
pledge drives? I know what you are thinking: Postage. Somebody has to
pay for the postage. Seems logical. Well YNOP wanted 200 grand and
KLOV wanted 500 grand. Let’s assume the Bible in paper or cassette
form weighed about 250 pounds apiece, I still think that is bullshit.
They just wanted money and came up with a scapegoat excuse to lure
fools away from their cash, something that idiot Christians could not
refuse, like say converting Muslims or supporting our troops in the
killing of Muslims. So many cynical verbal sorties flood to my mind
right now, I think I just pissed in someone else’s pants. It virtually
is maddening how much this tyrannical grade hypocrisy and prostitution
of my chosen religion thrills me. I actually giggled, I was so touched
by this; So offensive, so blatantly vile, so greed fueled at the
expense of something so noble and pure, (Really, like so many things
in “Christianity”. If He only knew the shit we do in his name…wow…) it
was Homerically villainous and stupid, I literally prayed to God and
thanked Her for sending me such great…just great fuck-tards.

***They actually claimed on both stations that they NEEDED the money
to do blah blah blah, and then right on the tails of that (I am not
making this up, I couldn’t make this up, I am not half the genius it
takes to make this crap up) said that they already had everything they
needed for distribution. They did. They said, “We NEED your money so
we can tell the X-Men about Jesus Christ…but we don’t need the money.
But still…we need the money.” I actually looked at my radio, as if it
would look back at me and do something like shrug or spit in my face.
I like to think I have a lot of balls and am full of shit, but I
testify now before you, I was more than humbled. I was
hum-bum-dum-bled. I was jealous. I was in awe. The balls of these
people…kudos. They lied right to me, and then told me they lied to me
and then continued to lie right to me. It was beautiful.

***I wish they would have been even more incredulous and just came
right out and said shit like: “Now, today, we need you to reach down
into your hearts and feel the love of the Lord. We need you to feel
that love wrap around you, all over you, and down into your pants,
around your dicks and snatches and up the crack in your ass to your
fat juicy wallets, and feel the love of the Lord take out all the
green paper you have. Can you feel it, Becky? I can feel it. Now pick
up the fucking phone and shove all that cash into the receiver, just
shove it right in there, it’s ok. God has given us so much, She made
the Earth and all life; She made the Universe and all its mystery; She
invented the periodic table of elements and ALL physics, but She needs
YOUR money. The Almighty needs you to take the food out of your
family’s mouth, take it back to the store, fuck paying on the house
this month, and buy Jesus a fucking cheeseburger. Can you do that? Can
you buy Him a double cheeseburger with bacon? He died for your sins
2000 years ago, and his new truck needs a new sound system! Can you
get him that Alpine deck with the wireless MP3 function? Can you do
that? Heaven needs a new coat of paint! God can not just use all Her
magic and whip this shit up, damn it! Jesus Christ, our Lord and
Savior, Master of all time and space, NEEDS to spell his name in
diamonds across his gold-plated fucking teeth! Can you bling up the
Lord’s grill? Buy Jesus a fucking cheeseburger, you greedy fuck!”

***The man MC on KLOV also said this: (I am paraphrasing, as I was
laughing so much I missed a few words) “(To female counterpart) Becky,
I just had a vision from Jesus, just now in the studio, while you were
talking. Jesus came to me and He said, to have faith…we will make
$15,000 in the next five minutes. I just heard that in my soul.”
Becky’s reply: “Wow, Chris. That is just…just fantastic.”
You heard it folks, Jesus took time out of His schedule of helping
starving and sick people, and appearing on bread in Mexico to people
who smoke marijuana, to tell this fuck-wad that he need not worry…the
Lord will change the hearts of thousands (hmmm, dozens really) of
people WHO ALREADY LISTEN TO THEIR RETARDED RADIO STATION
(people JUST LIKE ME), and have them make SPECIFICALLY $15,000 in
300 seconds. Praise be to God, and Her accountant. It’s a fucking miracle!
I can not comment further on this.

***They also put a time limit on their drive, as if they would
actually stop taking your (I don’t want to say “hard-earned money”,
because anybody…ANYBODY could lie into a microphone and act like they
were born from the ass of a monkey for cash…so I will not say
“hard-earned money” when referring to the money that real human beings
sent to them, instead I will distinguish it from the kind of money
these crack-head Christians “earn” by calling it…) “ACTUALLY-earned
money” when the time runs out. After 6pm, Central, shove your tax-free
cash up your ass, true believer! KLOV won’t touch that filth! Don’t
insult the sacred name of KLOV just because you couldn’t make it to
the phone in the arbitrary and imaginary time frame we just made up,
just now! Hell awaits thee in the name of tardiness, donator!
Blasphemies abound by the holy decree of Rick, the almighty station
manager! Don’t make the glorious Rick tap his wristwatch, heathen
scum! Child of 5-minutes-past, and probably Satan, your money is a
stain on the Stairway to heaven we are trying to purchase here today
and we will have none of it! (Yeah, you see what I am getting at.)
Well, lo and behold, come 6pm Central, another miracle happened.
Chris, the voice of the Lord, did something so amazing, so incredible,
so breath-takingly sanctimonious…he extended the time frame. And, yea
did the gates of the Heaven’s part and betwixt which did stream a
golden pyre of the most illuminating light, and it pierced the stone
heart of the lone jack-off that is taking your kid’s college tuition,
and he was moved to take even more. So endeth the lesson of the
jack-off.

***There were too many moments to relay to you, my child, that brought
such ironic and masochistic joy to myself, a sound man of God and
Science, (For the record, Science is a whore. Just wanted to say
that for a while now.) BUT, there is but one more that I must impart
to ye. Bow your heads. They were giving shout-outs to anyone kicking
$40 or more to the cause of saving the souls or preserving the souls
of those already saved currently being shot at in someone else’s
shitty fucking country. I guess if you donate less than $40 God will
smite you with all the fury of Heaven’s forces…or not, but
CERTAINLY…no shout-out. They thanked some lady from Plentywood for her
donation of $45 and the female (Again, I could not fabricate this. I
WISH I could fabricate shit like this.) actually howled like a
wolf…LOUDLY. It was one of those moments where it is so awesome that
one can not even move. I just stared ahead, expressionless. (As if God
Herself would suddenly pop out in front of me with Moses and Jesus and
Jimi Hendrix and they would all be laughing and pointing at me, Jimi
holding a cam-corder, and say something like “You should have seen the
look on your face! We got you good, motherfucker! Oh, fucking awesome!
Hoooooooowl! HA HA HA HA! Wooh! Sigh, really though, you died about 15
minutes ago. Mo just had to fuck you before we spilled it. Aaaah,
good times.”) That cock-sucker actually howled like a wolf, during a
pledge drive… for $45… in the name of God’s only child. Hallelujah! He
is risen! For juuuuuuuuuust under $50! Ooooooooooooow! Now bark like a
dog for the Holy Spirit, bitch! Do it, you brainless cunts! (Side
note, if it sounds like I am far too enthusiastic about this, it is
because I am. Best thing to happen to me in the last year, EASILY.)

***Thank you, for the vulgar display of moron-esticles, Lord. You are truly the
greatest bullshitter, the finest jokester, the one true fuck-tard
maker in the universe, and I praise your glory and brilliance as much
as I am able. Your inbred, radio-stationed, disfigured, brainless
dog-fuckers are my joy, O Lord. Thanks be to you.

***As always, my children, God Bless America and in the name of KLOV
and YNOP get down on the fucking ground and give up all the cash and
all the jewelry. Anybody moves and we will slash your fucking throats.
Jesus needs a motherfucking cheeseburger.