We can create oceans

I was curious, as I can be from time to time, about the number of seas on Earth. The International Hydrogeographical Organization (or Water Dorks, as is more common parlance) gives the number just North of 120 (124 by rumor). It is also difficult to define as the definition of such a thing is quagmirish in nature. (Yes I know "quagmirish" is not a word. I was truncating it and deriving the meaning of an adjective pointing in the direction of "something which is deducted from an idea quagmire-like in nature; Tar-baby-esque." So really this has devolved into a jousting match of pretentiousness between myself and the reader, but in the end the fact that I took the time to write this and they (YOU) took the time to read it really points to the apodictic fact that neither of us has any legs from which to stand with condescension, considering what a monumental waste of time was spent creating and understanding this bullshit. Life is short and we are all idiots.)

The definition of a sea is any salient body of water that is connected to an ocean OR NOT. Yeah, really. "OR NOT". Soooooo, say I fill up my bathtub with water, does that become the Great United American Sea Of Northern My House? Perhaps the Southern Sea of I can't Believe I Am Getting Away With This Kind Of Fuckery? Really, the definition is that loose. A cup of coffee could be qualified as a sea, The Great Brown Sea of Caffeinated...aw fuck it. You see what I am getting at. By their definition, a sea could be the puddle of piss you leave outside the bar, especially but not necessarily if is leads to an ocean. For the record, if I pulled this grade of shenanigans out in committee, I would be decried as a loony and pelted with fruit. These assholes do it and get funding. That alone is a modern miracle.

So there are a billion seas in the world. Fine. Sure. What caught my eye is that someone, like me, was curious and posted the question on Wiki-answers for the number of seas and the most common response was "7". Seven...one more than six. Ya' know, like, "sail the seven seas". If that answer came from a fifth grader, I would want that kid tested. Seven Seas in the world. It certainly has a je ne sais quoi of monumental proportions. Holy Moses shit, I can not even think of a way to belittle that answer more than the merit of the answer itself already did. Seven Seas...holy fuck-tarded, Batman. It is also true that pigs live in stick houses and beanstalks grow tall enough to create castle incursions where geese crap gold. Comic books are somehow still fake though. Que Lastima!

Another thing that caught my eye was the number of Oceans. There are, and always have been 4 Oceans: Pacific, Atlantic, Arctic and Indian. I learned this in the first grade, just like there are seven continents. 7 Continents (and Seas apparently) and 4 Oceans. Right? Wrong. There are 5 Oceans. (Insert double-take...now.) No shit. In the year 2000, the IHO identified that body of water surrounding Antarctica (a continent recognized for like EVER) as the Southern Ocean. So, to recap there are people who think that there are only seven seas in the world because of a fucking nursery rhyme and an apparent disturbingly fierce lack of globes and we have all been wrong about the number of oceans in our world, up until ten years ago. Are these the same cock polishers that said Pluto was no longer a planet? Different names for organizations, but the same 12 nerds just making shit up when the funding goes dry. I can see it in my mind:

(12 guys with glasses sitting in a room around a mahogany table, smoke filling the air.)
Guy 1: "Pass the weed, man."
Guy 2: "(Coughing smoke)"
Guy 3: "Hey, where is all our money?"
Guys 4 - 12: "What???"
Guy 3: "Yeah, man. Like...our money from those people in, uhm, Washington and shit. It's gone."
Guy 1: "Wow. I remember that now! They said we were useless and didn't do anything."
Guy 2: "(Hitting the bong)"
Guy 7: "Dude, I know what to do. Let's invent an ocean. Ya know, like, a WHOLE ocean, man."
Guy 1: "How are we gonna do that?"
Guy 3: "Can we even do that?"
Guy 9: "Yeah! We are totally the IHO, dude. Who would know if we did?"
Guy 2: "(Coughing violently)"
Guy 7: "Alright, let's go to Washington and tell those guys...uhm...CONGRESS! Yeah, Congress, like 'Hey, fuckers. We found an ocean, now give us some money.' "
Guy 1: "Alright. I like this idea. But first, let me get totally lit. I can't face those dudes half stoned and shit."
Guy 11: "We will show them who doesn't do anything, man!"
Guy 2: "(Falls off chair, unconscious)"
Guy 3: "Shit, someone pick up our Chairman."

And that, my children, is how we discovered the Southern Ocean in the year 2000 Anno Domine. I would be fervently unsurprised if these were in point of fact the same smoke junkies that decided that we only have 8 planets in our solar system:


(12 guys with glasses sitting in a room around a mahogany table, smoke filling the air.)
Guy 1: "Man, fuck Pluto."

Illustrious is the truth and untarnishable by its virtue. We thrust immortally fierce away the indifference of the universe against the grain of our very existence, divining our purpose on this planet as in the tomes of history in the universe immemorable through the sheer force of will and sanctity of spirit. We face our fears, our adversities with abandon and the kindest of sacrifices in the hope, THE FAITH, that our reward on this Earth as in Heaven will be rended upon us with mercy, respect and above all a never admonishable proof of worth that we DESERVE the truth; that we EARNED the truth; the truth has ever belonged to us and it has merely come back home, our prodigal purpose of being. The truth will indeed set our spirits free. And that truth is nigh: Yea...fuck thee Pluto. We can create oceans.