I am Pro-French

I am. I really am. It is so cosmopolitan to bash the frogs these days,
but I try to veer from it.

Don't mistake me, I think Paris is the equivalent of the pipes that lead to
the sewer underneath Taco Bell. Paris is filthy, stinky, filled with
the worst people France has to offer and even the brilliant
architecture, history and art barely redeem the place. I went there
and it is just your average large city: Filled with self-righteous
pricks who give you dish water when you ask for Evian; Conglomerations
of drunks and perverts; over-priced, under-crafted EVERYTHING; and did
I mention the self-righteous pricks? It really is worth mentioning
twice. The Arc de Triomphe is awesome, Champs-Élysées is striking, and
the Louvre has some doodles from finger painters no one can remember,
and even these marvels hardly make the city worth it. You get a free
dose of herpes when you land at the airport, for the love of Moses.
When young people, usually women, tell me they just HAVE to see Paris
because it is so beautiful and romantic, I always have to laugh to
myself. Like meat for the beast, if, AS I SAID, the beast has a
jillion assholes, unrinates openly in the streets and gives everybody
genital sores. Paris is soooo not your friend.

Still I am pro-French. The country side is gorgeous. The small town
folk are wonderful and the food is beyond reproach. The women are
beautiful and the men speak French, which I guess is attractive. They
have a one word term for three people fucking at the same time:
Manage-o-Three. Wonderful, horny, delicious people reflective of the
landscape and indicitive of why they are revered as alcohol makers and
takers. Full of life, love and wonderment. Simply gorgeous. Of course
there was that time they helped the NAZIs. Yeah, it is true. Half of
them helped the most evil group of people in the last few hundred
years enact a genocidal dictatorship. Just kidding...It was juuuuuuust
under half. Not NAZI sympathizers, mind you, NAZI abetters. That is
really something that no one ever gets over. You could save the world
from Aliens, but there will always be a huge "fuck you" in the history
books next to that. Which reminds me, I am also pro-Catholic, but fuck
you guys too. You did the same thing, Monsignor.

But STILL I am pro-French. Like Monty Python said, they think well,
and they do. Descartes, Molierre, Voltaire, Montaigne, Pascal,
Rousseau, and on and on. Brilliant thinkers. All worthy of redeeming
any negative thing you could say derogatorily about the French. Except
that maybe, they have not done or created anything like this in the
last 300 years. Age of Enlightenment French would weep at the sad,
prurient, spiked tendencies of the modern French. Truly, well they
should. Every culture has had great additions to the human landscape
since the age of Industry, buuuuuuuuuut...yeah...not so much them.
Despite making really rich cheeses, have not really done anything in
the better part of four or five generations.

And yet, cest la vie, I am pro-French. They were the allies of our
colonies when we fought the brutal British over-lords for
independance. They supplied ways, feeds and means for our freedom and
even lent us the teachings of Montesquieu for our so precious
Constitution. Surely there can be no admonition for such a exemplary
act. EXCEPT that during the Civil War, when some of us were fighting
to free the enslaved and tortured Africans we had stolen and give them
the freedom they had been starved of, the French took the pro-slavery
side. We looked at one of the darkest times in our history and said
"Enough is enough! No more barbarianism!" and the French sided with
the most blinkered and horrible amongst us and said "...Well,
actually, yeah, just a bit more, merci." They supported racial and
religious persecution openly, proudly and with their money and guns.

But still, I am pro-French. Even though they really don't like me
because I am American. Which I can understand, really. The last thing
we ever did for them was to save them in WW2, along with the British
and Russians. Our bad, I guess. What were we thinking? Would they like
us to apologize and rename Callay to Hitlersburg? I am going to go
out on a limb here and say they are comparably as shitty to the limes
and reds as well as us yanks. Just a stab in the dark.

And yet, I will always be pro-French...Despite the fact Jim Morrison
is burried there and I really find him to be a disgraceful,
disgusting, embarrasment in life as well as death, and that is really
saying something for me. When people die, I tend to lay off of them,
but not that fat piece of shit. He is probably happy that dirty drug
addicts fuck each other and have abortions on his grave. To say he is
a dirt-bag is an insult to bags of dirt everywhere. Wrap him in a
carpet and throw it in a river then hurl the river into space.

The French actually have a word for a homeless degenerate that is prone to
sleeping in his own shit. Apparently it is so common of an occurrance,
they have a one-word phrase for a homeless person who lacks such
humanity as to NOT sleep in his own shit. (Pause for a second to let
that sink in. So common is this, that MORE than one word was so
wasting their time that they re-did their dictionary. Sacrebleu!)

In point of fact, I AM VERY PRO-FRENCH! I wrote them a letter one time
telling them that I was an enormous fan to which they promptly replied
and surrendered the country to me.

God Bless America and Vive La France!