Forgive my prurient posting, but I was just kicking around a theory
that old people need more sex. I know that everyone just thought of an
old person they know, and mentally projected them into a pleasurable
stance of rectification, and probably vomited slightly in their own
mouths. For that, my sincerest apologies, but I think this theory,
though bound for endless controversy is not completely without merit.
Few reasonings behind this:
1- Sex is good. Really good. Like, "Let's start a fucking war to
impress those ladies over there" good. Like, "I would kill or die for
sex, whichever one would get me more, and quicker" good. Like "every
man dreams of passing into oblivion while clutched in the thighs of a
naughty woman" good. (I can do this all day.) Woody Allen said that
"Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still pretty good". That
is the best analogy for it I can think of. After a hard life,
undoubtedly filled with disappointment, a nice, stiff shagging would
definitely make it seem more rewarding. For the most part, our elder
generations are good enough people and certainly harmless in their
Autumn years, I think that as a humanitarian it is my duty to say that
old people deserve one last sex-capade, preferably several. After all,
do unto others, right? (For the record, I am not saying I want to fuck
an 80 year old woman. Stop looking at me like that.)
2- Sex, when done properly and at great length (Time-ways, not
Pun-ways...although the pun really does work too for that) is great
excercise. Good for the dexterity, works several different muscle
groups, helps the immune system (Not the STDs part. I'm not an idiot,
but it does get the blood pumping. I once cured a woman of diabetes
through mind blowing sex. True story...LADIES (wink)) and it is just
stellar for the cardio-vascular system. We may even add a few years
onto the average life span with the right combination of doggy-style
and reverse cowgirl. I know that sounds ridiculous, but save all your
rotten fruit throwing till the end please. Now, I am not saying mix
"geriatric style" with porn-grade circus-fuckery, that would just kill
these poor individuals (Quite happily) immediately, but enough so they
could endure it. Maybe put a little glide in the walker-laden stride;
A little skip in that plastic hip. And some third suggestive rhyme.
3- Attitude. Most elderly people have little respect for the younger
generations and vice versa, and I am not saying that we should get
20-year olds riding-the-pony with 90 year olds, but if everyone as a
general rule was fucking, I think we as a whole race would be much
happier. The days of yelling "Damn you kids! Get off my lawn!" would
segue into "Tell your daddy I need help trimming my bush, if you know
what I mean. Well, your DAD will." I have long held the belief that
everything, EVERY thing, even awful shit like torture looks better
after sex. (Think about it. You are getting tortured, but there is a
promise of oral sex following it, I think you are much more likely to
have a positive outlook during the horrible activities...anticipation
goes without saying really. A lot of guys I know would get in the
torture line willingly to put their pin in a grin. Hell, alright...me
too.) Think of the last time you really had a great round of
tug-o-groin, afterwards you did not care about a fucking thing, except
maybe, MAYBE doing that again. All the troubles of the world seem less
troubling and the colors seem brighter and music seems sweeter and the
fact that your house burned down doesn't bug you at all. ("Fuck that
silly house, we can make with the love under trees for all I care, and
next time let's use the whole fist.") (Now, I am NOT saying fist the
elderly, I am just drawing logical comparisons to illustrate a
subjective opinion. "Subjective" meaning, that I am also not saying
that I think people should be fisting at all...mostly mainly because I
don't want to be fisted myself. Also, NOT judging those that do.
Whatever floats your boat, is fine with me...the two midgets, the
donkey, the three other ladies with the tub of Crisco, the squirt gun
filled with whole milk, and the guy with the slippery fist. We are not
here to judge anyone. Remember that when you leave your comments.) My
point, sex makes people happier. (Again, definitely NOT fisting the elderly.)
4- Geriatric activities coordinators' jobs at nursing homes will
become the easiest paid positions in history if everyone adopts my
ideas. Period. Next fucking point.
5- Public service (Really more of a "pubic" service, but this way
sounds like we are doing something good for the economy) for both
those that don't get to get fucked and those that no one wants to
fuck. (Now, this is where I am going to lose everyone due to rancor
and disgust, but damn it, I have to say it.) Beautiful, sexy, supple
women don't like to fuck scrawny, pimply, nerdy nerds. I think we can
all get on the hot chicks's side of that line really. Now they are not
bad people, these unfuckable nerd types, and it is not their fault
that their nerdy father dropped an arithmetic load in their mother's
ivy league educated, HALO-playing womb, and I know these guys, it is
their dream to have tits rubbed in their faces. Why not saggy, vein
ridden ones? (Did I lose you? I lost you, didn't I.) Plus, there is no
way, these buck-toothed dweebs fuck these old ladies into the grave,
like say a chiseled Puerto-Rican 30-year old cock machine clearly
would. It performs a public service to both stereo-types, plus I know
little old ladies and nerds, the ceremonial breaking of the peanut
brittle after the cracking of the nuts would of bar-grade mitzvah.
Now, here is where I lose the rest of you...anyone ever see that
really big lady at the mall or store or beach or liposuction free
clinic whose thighs look like three pigs fighting to break free of the
spandex riding up her 8-foot ass crack? (Holy fuck, I think I just
lost MYSELF.) I am not talking about ladies with a weight problem,
(because I know women are sensitive about that and I would be KILLED
mercilessly as they beat me with their bags of shoes) and believe me
when I tell you there is a difference. My ex-wife was a plumper woman,
and I was with her for years, and SHE left ME, so think about that as
you load your shoes with bricks, damn it. I am talking about the woman
that looks like she ate another really fat woman, who ate Jaba the
Hutt. Don't bail out on me now damn it, we all know that lady. You can
probably even remember her smell. (I do, clerk at the movie store.
Nice woman, very talkative. Smelled so bad it could make Satan weep.)
She is a sweetheart and wonderful and a great person, but let's be
honest no one is going to want to fuck her. Think of the position you
would have to get her legs in just to enter that man-free gash and the
sight of that. Yeah. Exactly. You wouldn't send a guy you despised in
there. Now pair her up with the old dude that would love nothing more
than to feel something warm and wet on his dusty, Viagara-falsified
wrinkle-wand one more time before he breaths his last. Win-win
situation. (Also, if people had thought of this before hand, I would
not have just described that to you. Yeah. We could be talking about
cotton candy and shit. Just sailing that train out there.)
I believe this has promise, my bi-weekly geriatric-fuck-out-reach
program. Don't get all Puritanical and squeemish, or green and
nauseated, on me. You know deep down inside that there is nothing bad
about this, other than the nightmarish images of our grandparents
floating around and scarring us right now. We all need to nut up (NOT
literally) and do this. Let's pair up those men who could not get a
prostitute with your grandmother, and your grandfather with the woman
who's blood type is Ragu. Where is the victim? Exactly. It is good for
everyone, and has the possibility to make this world a more open,
disturbing and happier place.
As always, God bless America and AGAIN, definitely NOT fisting the elderly.
P.S. Here are the tags I attached for this post:
Sex, Elderly, oral sex, torture, controversy, sex-capade, porn, fuck,
fucking, get fucked, to fuck, circus-fuckery, fuck that, fuck you,
unfuckable, and NOT fisting the elderly
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