Why Allen Iverson is so great, by Allen Iverson

First, let me start off by saying that, yes, I am awesome. If you did not know this, you are not awesome. I am awesome. I am Allen Titty-fucking Iverson for fuck's sake. Wake up, you douche bag, and smell my greatness. It smells like fresh baked cookies, which smell like Allen Iverson. I smell like cookies. Go ahead and smell me and see for yourself, you non-Allen Iverson retard. SMELL ALLEN IVERSON! I am so awesome.

Second, I am so unbelievably cool, no one knows how cool I am. Even me, my biggest fan, only has a vague idea of just how great and totally kick-ass I am. Once more, Allen Iverson = totally cool and great. So suck on that, everyone else! All of you combined are less than a micron as totally great as Allen Iverson, me. You don't even know what "micron" means...but Allen Iverson does. It is just one of the many many many many many many reasons that Allen Iverson is so butt-fucking great. Wait, butt-fucking? Is that the right way to phrase that or did I say that wrong? OF COURSE NOT! Allen Iverson is not wrong. He is never wrong! It is just another reason that makes Allen Iverson as great as he is, by which I mean me. Don't make Allen Iverson explain himself to you. You probably couldn't even understand him anyways, what with being so great and all.

Did you know that I play basketball? Of course you did, I am Allen Iverson after all. Did you know that I am over 100 years old and was the real inventor of basketball? Yeah, bitch. Allen Corn-holing Iverson. You better recognize. I also invented computers, legislation and fire, mother fucker! FIRE! I MADE IT! ALLEN SPOON-YOU-WHILE-YOU-SLEEP IVERSON! I just made that name up and by this time next year, every child born will be named spoon-you-while-you-sleep because of me. ME!!! Allen Rusty-tromboner Iverson.

I can lift 1 billion tons over my head with one hand...no, ONE FINGER. Yeah, how you like me now? Allen Poop-shoot Iverson, stronger than Jesus.

Allen Iverson was raised by wolves, went to Harvard and landed on the moon. I did not even use a rocket. I jumped to the moon. BLAP! That's how Allen Iverson does NASA.

What makes me the greatest person, place or thing ever? That is a good question for Allen Iverson...Allen Iverson likes that you have been paying attention to Allen Iverson. Makes Allen Iverson feel good. To answer your question, the thing that is best about Allen Iverson is that he is...Allen Iverson. Don't tell me you aren't impressed! You lying mother fuckers all want to be Allen Iverson, but there can BE ONLY ONE ALLEN IVERSON!! I am the only Allen Iverson. I have a whole universe in my gravitational orbit. Alpha Centauri aint got shit on me! The world revolves around Allen Reach-around-butt-grab Iverson.

Ever seen me do a layup? NO YOU DIDN'T! The human eye does not process light fast enough to witness Allen Iverson. I am like the Flash, but faster. I am like Superman, but cooler. I am like you, only much much mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuch more. But you should not compare yourself to Allen Iverson. I am better. You will just make yourself feel bad. Dr. Allen Iverson says it is not good to make yourself feel bad. That is Allen Iverson's job.

So, there, many reasons why Allen Iverson, ME, is so freaking great. Everyone should want me on their team, not just for my explosive offense and quick hands, but because having Allen Tits-on-Sunday Iverson means you get TITS ON SUNDAY! Hell yes. I am so fucking awesome.

Sincerely,
Allen Iverson