Wait did I just say TEAM that I played FOR? HA HA! Oh snap, that must have just slipped out. More like the team I played beside! You feel me dog?! Woo Hoo! I could have given two fucks less about the "team". I mean, lets be fo' sheezy for a second, I could wipe my ass with the world series banners from any team I ever played for. It was always ALWAYS about the Barry and his royal Barryness. I mean, you want the truth, that's why I started taking so many roids. I was injecting pig testosterone into my nutsack for shits sake. Did I do it for the pennant? Aw, hell no. Do I get to keep the pennant? No, it goes to the club that doesn't pay me enough...whichever one, none of them pay me enough. What would be enough? 100% of ticket and memorabilia sales, my face on the one dollar bill, and your first born son. Hey, I am just telling you how it is. That should be the standard going rate for the Barry.
Even with a bad knee, inflated sense of self worth, brain damage, shrunken man hood, crippled moral fiber, lack of human decency, racism, arrogance like you have never seen, uneducated ideals, ridiculous scapegoats, violent nature, immaturity, smell that emanates from my every pore that is remarkably close to sauerkraut, ugly face, and impotence...did I already say brain damage? It is hard to tell, because I am either too stupid or arrogant to learn to read, I forget which. Anyway, even with all THAT, I am still the greatest player to play the game while filled with illegal performance enhancing drugs. I am even better than the guys that didn't cheat. Ted Williams, the Mick, the Hammer, Sandy Kofax, I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THEM!! You think it is crazy comparing myself to Kofax, him being a pitcher and me being a escaped bit of garbage from God's rubbish bin, but it is not crazy. Crazy is me saying I was better than Dan Marino or Michael Jordan. By the way, I blow Dan Marino out of the water, and Mike couldn't wash my jock strap, at ANY sport at ANY time. Suck that 23! Yeah...that's good Barry.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was trying to convince the world that I am not the biggest dickhead since Hitler. I'm not though. Really President Bush, shit his WHOLE cabinet, was way more of a dickhead than his holy and exalted Cardinal Bonds. See? I just made myself a cardinal, of Catholicism, the religion of choice for child molesters and douche bags like me. With so many assholes flocking to the church for protection from the feds, it fits Barry like an HGH Scrotal slow release patch or a syringe of Lysterol. Ya know they give that shit to race horses? In fact I am going to pour some over my cereal this morning and free-base some orange juice. Breakfast of champions, champions like retarded, impotent Barry Bonds.
So in conclusion, ask yourself this, what have YOU done for the Barry lately? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. Send me some cash, after all that gold plated, diamond studded 80 foot magnifying vanity mirror wont buy its fucking self now will it? No, it won't, you dumbass. Don't make Barry be all repeating his glorious self. Bust a steroid ridden foot off up your ass.
Much Love...for myself,
Barry "Should be wrapped in a carpet and tossed in a river" Bonds
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