How to fuck an immigrant (Moved from old site)

Immigration is a hot issue. Everyone seems to always spew the same
line of bullshit. “Fix Immigration”. I am speaking of the U.S. as I am
not sure what the status of immigration is in other countries. Here it
is a highly politicized and touchy issue. Touchy like after a
ureteroscopy. (I know. I had one. Two things: One, kidney stones
really fucking suck. Really, really, really fucking suck. Unmercifully
blow-jobesque. Avoid if at all possible. Two, if you make a joke about
having a ureteroscopy, that just means that you have never had one. I
am a faithful, moral man (Ok, I TRY to be) but during the procedure,
if they had asked me to name all my family as members of the communist
party, I would have given them the addresses and social security
numbers as well. The general anesthetic did not do shit. To this day I
am terrified of urologists. I see one and my dick recedes into my body
like the head of a frightened turtle. If anyone ever asks you to relax
your prostate while holding a long, metal claw, you might want to
consider just fucking dying.)

People like to say the thing that sounds like the thing to say without
giving it any thought. (I mean how could it be lies if it is on TV
right? Hello?) That is fine, by the way. It makes me appear to be
smarter than they are without trying, which I am all for. I have a
fragile ego and brain damage, so anything that feeds the beast is all
good with me. I also like to piss off everyone on both sides of an
issue with one statement, and in the spirit of that…I just wanted to
clarify what I think, to add a voice to a very minority opinion on the
controversial subject: You are all fucking inbred. All of you who say
that you want to fix immigration are either lying or ignorant, take
your pick. (In the voice of a late night infomercial salesman) But
wait, there’s more!

In this country there is a “problem” with immigration. According to
“Americans” we have too many “immigrants” in our country, taking
“honest work” from “Americans” and soaking up the residuals of “our”
benefits, and polluting our “language” with their own. No joke, those
are the common complaints about it. Those three things: too many of
them, took our jobs, and no habla jibber-jabber, amigo. REALLY. (To
take the time to chastise these ideals and the people that cling to
them like Captain Dumb-Ass to the sinking HMS
Nuttier-than-squirrel-shit, almost feels like kicking a dead dog. I
have to be honest, I don’t even know what I am trying to prove here.
But I am a man, I require no reason to do a thing. Dear Dog God,
please forgive me and lend me thy nine iron. Lassie is goin’ pay.)

Uno: There are 307 Million people in the U.S. by recent estimates. The
Romans invented the census, and had they those types of numbers, I am
guessing they would have just spit-balled it and spent the rest of the
night in the orgy-torium. (I would have. “How many Israelites do we
have? Uhm, Fifty…million…and six…Oh yeah, we totally checked. Hey, who
wants their cock polished anonymously?”) So, 307 BIG plus change, and
that is probably under the actual amount, because of the number of
paranoid people who don’t answer the door or phone calls. (Dear
Cocaine, I miss you. Call me.) They estimate we have 11 million
illegal immigrants in the country, again probably lower than actual.
Anybody do the math? It is about 3%. Sounds like an epidemic to me.
That means for every ten people on the streets, 1/3 of 1 of them is
not from this country. Better grab a gun and begin shooting wildly
into crowds. Panic uncontrollably. I’m serious.

Second point on that, there is a problem with immigration that is
real. There is, and I can prove it. Ask a Native American, if you can
find one. You want to know why immigration is bad, find a Sioux or a
Cherokee or a Navajo Indian and ask their opinion of letting strange
people across your borders. They will probably tell you something
about the economy, right after the brutal murdering of their children
and forced relocation and, oh yeah, giving them blankets soaked with
small pox. That was hilarious. We killed the natives with malice and
unbridled efficiency because they had the land we wanted and they were
naked and they had funny gods, THEN we wrote a Bill of Rights for all
people that included Illegal Search and Seizure, Freedom of Expression
and Freedom of Religion. I couldn’t make this shit up. Immigration can
kill you, but apparently only if the immigrants are white. (Dear
Africa, help a brother out?) It makes the old shibboleth “Kill whitey”
sound like well-balanced domestic policy. Never trust a protestant.

Dos: They are taking our jobs. It’s true. They will steal your job, if
after college you want to pick strawberries in southern California for
25¢ an hour 13 hours a day with no overtime, retirement, sun-screen or
health insurance. Those greedy bastards. Will no amount of gold slate
their thirst? It would literally take you a thousand, million years to
pay back your school loans. Literally. (The real figure is more like
$5.25 per hour, or $8,900 some annually. But in California money, they
might as well be paying them with dreams.) If we did not have them and
had to pay real money for legal workers, that would mean that we would
be paying $8 for a piece of fruit. It would cost less to get a gun and
rob a grocery store, just for the produce. (“Everybody get down or I
will blow your heads off! Nobody better fucking breathe till I say so!
Fill the bag with avocados and bananas, bitch! NOW!”) Nobody wants
that. Nobody can even imagine that. They want to have cheap, illegal
labor, affordable vegetables and complain about having too many
Mexicans in their ghettos. That is what I call having your cake and
eating it too. It is also called being a hypocrite, and if hypocrites
were garbage, California and Texas would be New Jersey. (Fuck you,
Garden State! Seriously, that place smells like Hell’s sewer.) No
illegal immigrant ever took any job that an over-weight, well-housed,
a-TV-in-every-room American would fuck with someone else’s dick.

Tres: They don’t know the language. Couple of things about this raise
an eyebrow. What fucking language? Seriously, what the hell does that
even mean? Half of Arkansas is illiterate! When Bill Clinton was
elected to President of the United States he touted that he brought
his state’s level of education from 50th to like 48th. Since when is
that something to be proud of? Am I the only one that gets indigestion
from this? If so, please tell me so I can quit trying to understand
this, it is giving me cancer in my soul. Really, I can’t even swear
about this properly I am so incredulous. (Walrus-fuck!) The American
brand of the English language has over 45,000 idioms, making the whole
thing equivalent to the longest secret password to get into a private
tree-house in history. Ever heard a Japanese person try to speak it?
German? That dog won’t hunt. (For those of you not fluent in our
sanctified gibberish, that means “not optimal”.)

I went to college with Russians and by the time they graduated high
school, they were fluent in 3 languages at least. Most people from
non-English speaking countries are bilingual. So, let’s just assume
that, yes, we do have a sacred way of talkin’ bout stuff, and if’n you
ain’t able to speaks right, you’s wronger. (Southern people actually
speak like that. If that offended you, in my defense, you should not
be here reading this, you should be out screwing your livestock or
cousin somewhere. After all, your cousin ain’t going to fuck himself.
Well…) We are basically issuing a mandate that we want to be the
dumbest, poorest communicators on the planet. We are insuring against
all common sense that when we go to France, Mexico or the Netherlands,
when we mean to request a glass of water we are really asking for is a
cold glass of the chef’s ball sweat. We want all the food we order to
be wiped through whatever local kitchen staffer’s ass that is
available. How…why the…I…can’t…damn it! Soul…cancer…acting up…

The only thing polluting my beloved home land is the level of
complacent, accepted, self-inflicted stupidity that permeates our very
moral fiber. Those that are the problem won’t even understand what I
just said, so if you did understand it, as a favor to me, please reach
out and slap the nearest American you can find as hard as you can. If
they ask why, tell them because they killed Patrick Henry. They won’t
know what that means either.

The war on immigration is something the politicians engage in to
appease the older, white-trash people in Texas, California, Nevada,
Arizona and New Mexico who fear change. Those lovely individuals don’t
like seeing El Caminos rolling through San Diego with the Virgin de
Guadalupe spray painted on the hood, ridiculous sounding horns and
blasting music wrought with loud trumpets and super-sonic Spanish. It
frightens the over-alls right off of them. So, they elect people who
lie to their toothless faces by telling them that they will put up an
even bigger wall that will keep them out, most assuredly. What’s
hilarious about this, is that these morons believe that. Why don’t you
ask the Chinese about building walls to keep foreigners out? I mean,
they built the biggest, meanest wall EVER, and it still didn’t keep
the Mongolians out. The human spirit will find a way over, under or
good-old fashioned right the fuck through that wall. Maybe more
guards? Checkpoint Charlie, anyone? How about we just kill everyone
who is not us?

The politicians know that there is no solution, they are just feeding
their constituents the bullshit they want to hear and then doing
nothing about it, whilst fucking the hell out of them financially, and
they smile like the fucking inbreds they are and re-elect them every
chance they get. Why does no one complain about Canadians infesting
us? Because Canada has an economy. If you want to stop Mexicans from
swimming over to our country, help make them fiscally substantial.
Enable CAFTA (Central American Free Trade Agreement, the Southern
hemisphere’s counterpart to NAFTA) and give them the means to compete
in a global market. If you do that however, a couple of things will
happen. One, it will give them the jobs we actually might want to do;
and two, stop them from sneaking in to do the jobs we would never want
to do. We now find ourselves robbing Wal-mart for potatoes again.
People who want to fix immigration are the kind of people to hand you
a band-aid when you get your legs blown off. They will also sell you
beach front property on the moon.

I don’t know what I am trying to prove here. The kind of people that
read this aren’t part of the problem and the people that should come
to terms with it are too blinkered to ever change from their
quasi-racist ways. I mean, why is it always low-income, brown colored
people that this kind of stuff happens to? Thanks for the podium and
the opium, but if you’re brown, you’re going down.

God bless America and the gooey, chewy, political hypocrisy that is
the gum in our cultural Blow-pop.

And for the record, it IS fun kicking a dead dog. Now excuse me while
I go wash the smell off of my shoes.